My guy is not all that great in bed. He finishes faster than anyone I have ever been with. We have tried all the usual tricks to make him last longer, but nothing works. Sometimes he finishes in literally seconds! He blames me because he's never had this problem before. He instantly rolls over and passes out after every time. Help! First off, let’s check one fact here: I’m sure your guy says he’s never had this problem before. But, let’s be real: If I interviewed his exes, we’d probably hear another story. Do you really believe he only finishes fast with you? Yes, there is a slim chance that he’s simply so turned on by you that he gets as excited as a teenager on his first date every single time. Maybe he’s normally a beast in the sack, but either your hot bod or his intense feelings are just too much for him to handle. Maybe. "My Boyfriend Can't Get HardAnymore!" But I doubt it. If he’s blaming you, and then rolling over and passing out, he doesn’t sound like the world’s most dedicated lover anyway. You shouldn’t just be worried about why he’s finishing fast. You should be upset that he cares so little about pleasuring you that he’s passing out right after he gets his. Since it sounds like you’ve experimented with different techniques, he may need to see a doctor and a therapist if he really wants some help with his problem. But if he’d rather get off and pass out, he’s being selfish. If he’s not willing to change or even work on pleasing you, maybe the next time he passes out, you should leave him sleeping in that bed and bolt for the door. We had been married for about six months when my husband told me he doesn't want any more kids (he already has one from his ex). I never had kids, and I want to in the future. We had talked about it before getting married, and he was fine with having kids with me then. Now I’m getting to be in my mid-30s, and I feel like I don’t have much time. It’s not that I don’t love him, so I don’t know what to do. Should I wait it out and see if he changes his mind about it or move on now before I get too old??? That is really a shame that your husband either changed his mind or withheld his true feelings about having another child. It’s such a crucial issue — and one of the only issues where compromise is impossible: It’s not like you can meet in the middle and agree to have half a kid. This is a big deal. And it’s such a hard position for you. I think holding out hope that your husband will change his mind is a dangerous proposition. As you note, you’re in your mid-30s, and you can’t wait forever. If you do wait, you’re putting your happiness (at least, in this maternal regard) entirely in his hands. “Wait and see,” in this case, means that if he never changes his mind, you’re stuck. You’re not just taking a risk by sticking it out. You’re taking responsibility for a life decision that will most likely not produce the result you would like. If you decide to stay with him, you would have to be prepared to never have your own child First, though, I wouldn’t stop trying to convey the importance of your desire to your husband. You married this man because you loved him, and I’m sure you have so many good reasons to stay with him. Hopefully, you can talk more about how important this is to you, without making it seem like an ultimatum. Some partners are shy about pressuring each other, but it’s not pressure when you’re simply explaining what you want from your life. Though it’s not easy, try to explain your feelings to him, rather than arguing about how he changed his mind. Try to focus on the positive reasons why you want to be a mother and not your negative fear of missing out. He’s a father. He knows how parenthood can change a life. On some level, he has to be able to understand where you’re coming from. Before you make any sort of decision, you need to be sure that he understands how very important this is to you. Being a loving stepmother can be profoundly gratifying, and that’s enough for some. But you sound certain that you want to have kids of your own. He’s changed his mind once. Maybe he’ll change it again. But you can’t just wait and hope that he does. This is your decision too. Some would say that you should give him a deadline before which he needs to make a firm decision, but I think you should give a timed ultimatum to yourself instead. How long can you wait? Whatever the outcome, don’t pretend that your husband is the only one responsible. It’s not going to be easy, but you do have a choice. I just started a new relationship after having ended a long-term situation. My new guy is very affectionate, but I was used to living with my old guy and am now quite lonely. How can I tell my new guy I need to spend more time with him without seeming clingy? If you want to spend more time with him, I think you’ve got three options. The first is to be passive-aggressive and not say anything at all, while moping every time he leaves and pestering him with sad emoticon texts. I am so glad you’re not choosing that option. The second option is to be honest. Tell him what you just told me: that you prefer the kind of relationship where you spend time with each other. Tell him that you love spending time with him and explain why you’d like to see more of him. Do you like the comfort? The routine? The reassurance? And what does “more time” look like? Time with friends? Alone? Sleeping together most nights? More time can mean different things to different people. Obviously, there are pros and cons to the direct approach. The pro is that he’ll understand how you really feel. And the con of it, as you note, is that he might think you are clingy, no matter how much you explain your feelings — especially since the relationship is so new. But if you explain yourself clearly, hopefully he’ll understand that you don’t want to smother him; you just want to see more of him. The third option is to play it cool. And this is the option that I’d recommend for now, particularly since this is in its early stages: Don’t make a big deal about it with a State of the Union relationship discussion quite yet. But don’t be passive-aggressive either. Instead, just be assertive about offering up options. Ask him out to a movie, to dinner with friends, a hike, a swim — or ask him to come over and watch Game of Thrones, barbecue, or get naked. Instead of asking him to spend time with you, ask him to do something — anything specific that puts the two of you in the same place. That way, you’re not just asking him to come over to your apartment, flop on the couch, and cuddle (though you can do that too). You’re asking him to share a little bit of your life and have some fun. There’s nothing clingy about that.
May 22, 2014
My guy is not all that great in bed. He finishes faster than anyone I have ever been with. We have tried all the usual tricks to make him last longer, but nothing works. Sometimes he finishes in literally seconds! He blames me because he's never had this problem before. He instantly rolls over and passes out after every time. Help! First off, let’s check one fact here: I’m sure your guy says he’s never had this problem before. But, let’s be real: If I interviewed his exes, we’d probably hear another story. Do you really believe he only finishes fast with you? Yes, there is a slim chance that he’s simply so turned on by you that he gets as excited as a teenager on his first date every single time. Maybe he’s normally a beast in the sack, but either your hot bod or his intense feelings are just too much for him to handle. Maybe. "My Boyfriend Can't Get HardAnymore!" But I doubt it. If he’s blaming you, and then rolling over and passing out, he doesn’t sound like the world’s most dedicated lover anyway. You shouldn’t just be worried about why he’s finishing fast. You should be upset that he cares so little about pleasuring you that he’s passing out right after he gets his. Since it sounds like you’ve experimented with different techniques, he may need to see a doctor and a therapist if he really wants some help with his problem. But if he’d rather get off and pass out, he’s being selfish. If he’s not willing to change or even work on pleasing you, maybe the next time he passes out, you should leave him sleeping in that bed and bolt for the door. We had been married for about six months when my husband told me he doesn't want any more kids (he already has one from his ex). I never had kids, and I want to in the future. We had talked about it before getting married, and he was fine with having kids with me then. Now I’m getting to be in my mid-30s, and I feel like I don’t have much time. It’s not that I don’t love him, so I don’t know what to do. Should I wait it out and see if he changes his mind about it or move on now before I get too old??? That is really a shame that your husband either changed his mind or withheld his true feelings about having another child. It’s such a crucial issue — and one of the only issues where compromise is impossible: It’s not like you can meet in the middle and agree to have half a kid. This is a big deal. And it’s such a hard position for you. I think holding out hope that your husband will change his mind is a dangerous proposition. As you note, you’re in your mid-30s, and you can’t wait forever. If you do wait, you’re putting your happiness (at least, in this maternal regard) entirely in his hands. “Wait and see,” in this case, means that if he never changes his mind, you’re stuck. You’re not just taking a risk by sticking it out. You’re taking responsibility for a life decision that will most likely not produce the result you would like. If you decide to stay with him, you would have to be prepared to never have your own child First, though, I wouldn’t stop trying to convey the importance of your desire to your husband. You married this man because you loved him, and I’m sure you have so many good reasons to stay with him. Hopefully, you can talk more about how important this is to you, without making it seem like an ultimatum. Some partners are shy about pressuring each other, but it’s not pressure when you’re simply explaining what you want from your life. Though it’s not easy, try to explain your feelings to him, rather than arguing about how he changed his mind. Try to focus on the positive reasons why you want to be a mother and not your negative fear of missing out. He’s a father. He knows how parenthood can change a life. On some level, he has to be able to understand where you’re coming from. Before you make any sort of decision, you need to be sure that he understands how very important this is to you. Being a loving stepmother can be profoundly gratifying, and that’s enough for some. But you sound certain that you want to have kids of your own. He’s changed his mind once. Maybe he’ll change it again. But you can’t just wait and hope that he does. This is your decision too. Some would say that you should give him a deadline before which he needs to make a firm decision, but I think you should give a timed ultimatum to yourself instead. How long can you wait? Whatever the outcome, don’t pretend that your husband is the only one responsible. It’s not going to be easy, but you do have a choice. I just started a new relationship after having ended a long-term situation. My new guy is very affectionate, but I was used to living with my old guy and am now quite lonely. How can I tell my new guy I need to spend more time with him without seeming clingy? If you want to spend more time with him, I think you’ve got three options. The first is to be passive-aggressive and not say anything at all, while moping every time he leaves and pestering him with sad emoticon texts. I am so glad you’re not choosing that option. The second option is to be honest. Tell him what you just told me: that you prefer the kind of relationship where you spend time with each other. Tell him that you love spending time with him and explain why you’d like to see more of him. Do you like the comfort? The routine? The reassurance? And what does “more time” look like? Time with friends? Alone? Sleeping together most nights? More time can mean different things to different people. Obviously, there are pros and cons to the direct approach. The pro is that he’ll understand how you really feel. And the con of it, as you note, is that he might think you are clingy, no matter how much you explain your feelings — especially since the relationship is so new. But if you explain yourself clearly, hopefully he’ll understand that you don’t want to smother him; you just want to see more of him. The third option is to play it cool. And this is the option that I’d recommend for now, particularly since this is in its early stages: Don’t make a big deal about it with a State of the Union relationship discussion quite yet. But don’t be passive-aggressive either. Instead, just be assertive about offering up options. Ask him out to a movie, to dinner with friends, a hike, a swim — or ask him to come over and watch Game of Thrones, barbecue, or get naked. Instead of asking him to spend time with you, ask him to do something — anything specific that puts the two of you in the same place. That way, you’re not just asking him to come over to your apartment, flop on the couch, and cuddle (though you can do that too). You’re asking him to share a little bit of your life and have some fun. There’s nothing clingy about that.
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